The best way for you to learn about Maddie, is from her Mom, and Maddie herself.  The information below is from Maddie's journal.  The essay shown first, is also in the Inspiration page of this web site.  The level of Peace and Grace in Maddie's words are inspiring to me, and I hope they will be to you as well.  I also shared her one of her Mom's  journal entries, as it shows what a special girl Maddie is, and how we have all learned from her.  Fly free Angel.

From Maddie's Journal:

April 27, 2004

Today I thought I would share with you a story, written by Maddie as an english assignment back on January 20, 2004.

I sat in a cold room waiting. The walls were grey with a border on them. As the clock ticked, the walls seemed to close in on me. My growing anticipation filled each corner of the room. Come on. I thought. I want to go home.
The door opened and in walked two women. One woman spoke and introduced herself. The other woman sat next to us with a white look on her face.
“We found the cause of your headaches. We believe they are caused by a brain tumor; a fairly large mass.”
The words all ran together from where. A brain tumor? Me? Why?
I can’t say I believed the doctor when she told me. It was only certain words and actions that confirmed this was not a dream; survival rates, treatment plans, neurological tests, tears. The shock was so great and yet the feeling of fear was so present.
A throbbing pain in my throat and chest developed. I wanted to burst open and scream as if I were a firework on the fourth of July. My mom, who sat next to me, wrapped her arm around me tightly. The couch we sat on suddenly felt small. I began to sweat and that ball in my throat grew.
My legs shook like a toddler taking their first steps. My mother’s arm turned purple as I grasped it in my sweating palms for support.
From then on, it was like running a marathon. Appointments every day, pills every hour, needles and pokes every week, and fear and anxiety every second of every day.
I tried my hardest to be strong and calm, trying to act like I was fine, like I was healthy, like I was normal. I knew in order for everyone around me to be comfortable, I had to be. So I gave it a try, for my family, for my friends, for my doctors, my classmates, my teachers, for my own sake.
Soon enough, I’d forgotten my fear. I had gotten so wrapped up in masking it that I was almost a foreign visitor to my own emotions.
A few weeks passed until I was reminded why I was ever scared. I had been napping when I woke up gasping for air.
“Mom!” I tried yelling. Nothing came out. “Mom!” I fought through my coughing. I heard footsteps quickly moving on the floor, the floorboards creaking with every step.
“Maddie, are you okay?” my mom asked.
It hurt so much. Every time I inhaled, it felt like a rock grew in my stomach. When I’d exhale, it felt like the rock exploded into a million pieces, slamming throughout my entire stomach.
I recall waking in an ambulance. “Pontine glioma,” everyone around me was whispering. The same pain was still present. Oww, make it stop. I remember saying, or maybe it was just a thought.
My mind was rolling with “what ifs” and “how abouts”. On the outside, I remained calm and unbelievably tolerant. I knew in order to get better; I possibly had to get worse. I rested in comfort knowing that everyone around me was doing everything they could to help me. With a smile on my face and all that pain inside me, I felt a warmness. I was alright. Everything would be okay. I was the winner, not this brain tumor. It had no right to be in my body. I win.
From then on, I no longer had to mask my fear. It no longer existed. I knew from that point on that whatever happens, happens. We can only fight for what is ours. We can’t rewind time, we can’t erase chapters in our lives, we just have to live them.


It is in this spirit that Maddie and her family and friends will continue to fight on.

With love,
Julie and Maddie

Friday, May 7, 2004 7:17 AM CDT

Hello to all,

As many of you have already heard, my sweet Madeline passed away yesterday evening at about 6:30 PM. She was lovingly surrounded by many in her family. It was a beautiful, peaceful, gentle and grace filled moment- exactly the way Maddie lived every second of her fourteen years.

I have imagined this event, feared it, fought it and anticipated it so many times over the past year. Never would I have believed that my heart could be filled with such enormous peace. (I know what many of you are thinking, "Oh, she is in shock right now- the magnitude of her loss has yet to really sink in.) I assure you all, I am not in denial here, and I will miss the physical presence of Maddie more than any words can ever describe. But, Maddie has set the tone here. She has let me know in word and action how peaceful and accepting- and actually how excited- she is to move on to this next, permanently blissful and healthy phase of life. Without giving up hope for a earthly healing, in her own words Maddie assured me that the outcome of this journey was either "Good or better." Good, if she was to be fully healed here on earth and could get on with her fourteen year old life, and obviously better if she was rewarded with total healing in heaven. She went on to say that whichever the outcome, she knew that it would be the right one for her- and because we love her as much as we do, we would have to believe that it the right one for us, too.

This journal and guestbook meant the world to Maddie over the past year. She was able to share so much of herself and her journey with so many. I am so proud of the way that she made it her own, and I can tell you now how awkward it felt to me when I started to update for her. I couldn't post last evening- not because of my grief, but because I wanted my words to at least be a faint replica of the power and love that Maddie exuded every time she took to the keyboard. I was hoping for some profound words, or some symbolic story to come to me to share with you all. Instead I awoke today with the idea that I should write exactly as Maddie would- straight from the heart.

Maddie aspired to be a teacher. Her true love of learning was cemented the very first day of kindergarten, and her career path chosen. We converted an entire room of our house to accomodate the "schoolroom" from which she taught virtually every moment for several years. Many times throughout this year it struck me that she has already achieved her goal and is the greatest teacher I will ever know. I am so happy that I told her this many times. I will draw great strength from the many wonderful conversations and experiences Maddie and I have shared.

In true Maddie fashion, we had an impromtu party here last night. Several people stopped over- many without knowledge of her death, but intending another visit with her- and the joy, sadness, laughter and stories we were able to share is exactly what Maddie would have wanted. Max, Dannie, Austin and Liz stayed the night and we had a slumber party (or should I say no slumber party) in the family room- a room filled with more love than I can describe.

I could go on and on. I will close for now by saying THANK YOU to everyone for continuing to love and support us throughout this journey. We are so happy to share this with you all. We will post information once plans have been formulated.

With great love and gratitude,
Julie and Maddie

Maddie's Web page can be found at http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/maddie/index.htm - Read her journal - learn from her wisdom.  Thank you Julie, for allowing us to know your beautiful girl.